26th October 2002  

Last night I dreamt of you. Usually I dream about how ill you were and I also did so last night. I saw how you became more and more ill in my dreams and I knew you would die. 

In my dream I remained calm, because I knew that there was no quality of life left for you and the inbearable suffering had to end for you.  

Sometimes other parents tell me that they dream of their deceased children and in their dreams their child will tell them that he is so happy. Although I have a strong feeling that you are close to me, I never have these kinds of dreams. 

Every time last night when I woke up and fell back asleep I continued my dream where I left it off. I do not know if you wanted to tell me something. This morning when I got up I had a strong feeling I had to visit you. In spite of the bad weather and the terrible storm I went to your grave.  

Many of the things on your grave were blown over and the flowers were old. I realised that the KitKat chocolate that I put there on the day of your death was gone. Maybe the hedgehogs had eaten it and maybe the paper was also blown away. You would have loved watching the hedgehogs eat your chocolate. I removed the autumn leaves from your grave and made sure your everything looked neat and tidy. Very symbolically I needed 8 matches to light the candles at your grave, because a strong wind used to blow them out. When I was busy there the sun came shining through. I stayed with you for a while, sitting on the bench with the sun on my face .  

I felt the need so strongly to rub your face, to touch your hair, to feel your body. 

I miss you.... I cannot tell you how much.... And missing you hurts....

26th October 2002